Sunday's New York Times reported that our own David Donnelly is "[p]erhaps the most famously zealous Ahab in pursuit of Mr. DeLay's resignation." As a co-worker of David's, I can vouch for the fact that David may resemble Ahab in his "firmest fortitude, a determinate, unsurrenderable wilfulness, in the fixed and fearless, forward dedication of [his] glance." But there the similarity ends--after all, David still has both his legs, which he uses to run marathons.
More importantly, Tom DeLay is no Moby Dick. Here is a top ten list supporting our case:
10. Led Zeppelin never wrote a song called "Tom DeLay."
9. Sperm whales don't take campaign contributions.
8. He's a little thinner. (Male sperm whales weigh about 50 tons.)
7. DeLay just voted to gut the Endangered Species Act, which protects sperm whales.
6. DeLay has a nice tan.
5. Members of sperm whale pods "protect the young, the sick and the injured."
4. According to blogger Rodney Anonymous, Tom DeLay has "sunk lower than whale droppings in the Marianas Trench"; if true, DeLay cannot be a Moby Dick, because he could not be lower than his own droppings. (Speaking of the Marianas, we all know what Tom DeLay did there.)
3. If number 4 is not true, perhaps Randy Cohen is right: "The ocean covers seven-tenths of the Earth's surface but not nearly enough of Tom DeLay," wrote Cohen in Slate in May 2000. (text not available.) Whales live in oceans; therefore if the ocean does not cover DeLay, he cannot be a whale.
2. Sperm whales don't play golf.
And the number one reason why Tom DeLay is no Moby Dick........................
1. Tom DeLay has been indicted on one count of criminal conspiracy by a grand jury in Travis County, Texas. Whatever DeLay and his friends may say in media interviews, he is not being attacked by harpoons thrown by crazy sea captains. He will be judged for his own actions by a jury of his peers. Sorry, Tom DeLay, but you are no Moby Dick.